When doing assignments at university, I always found it strange that we as second or third year students apparently needed to be reminded not to use bullet lists in essays. Wasn’t it obvious that essays were meant to be constructed from full paragraphs made up of full sentences? Apparently not.

These days, lists are everywhere. Readers seemingly cannot absorb information in chunks bigger than a phrase or a clause and never any sentence with more than one verb. When writing for the web, one is advised to keep it short. Headlined. Listed. Numbered.

But I do not wish to wear my grammarly badge today and get on a high horse or in an ivory tower about modern language use and other sins. There are other badges to wear and hats to put on. Like the fuming consumer hat, raging about bad service. Or some such thing.

Such as my new novel that was due to be released today, but is being held up by labour issues. Did the driver get the flu, I wonder? Or are the boxes too heavy to lift for the only two decrepit workers left in the warehouse? Delivery will hopefully follow soon.

In the meantime I shall abstain from writing essays and instead make a list, as prescribed by the internet gurus. And this list, dear reader, is about the many things, both real and totally fantastical, that could perceivably prevent an author’s book from appearing on the shelves. Forgive me if I do use a full sentence now and again.
 
1. From spark to mark – not getting it written down
  * Losing your hands – a shark bite? an unexpectedly live hand       grenade?
  * A paper shortage – they’ve run out of trees
  * A computer breakdown
  * Getting lost in a dark cave
  * Getting lost on a rocky island with no sandy beach
  * Writer’s block

2. Lost between the lines – losing the manuscript
  * Left on a train or a bus or a pub (writers do these things)
  * Eaten by a dog – he mistook it for your homework
  * Blown off a ship
  * A computer breakdown
  * Used in desperation to light a signal fire while lost on a desert     island. (Now would you seriously do such a thing? It would be       akin to eating your foot to save you from starvation.)
 
3. Imprisoned, betrayed, hi-jacked, murdered
  * Labour issues
  * A new Inquisition and a burning of books
  * Censorship
  * Spontaneous combustion – too many erotic scenes
  * A computer breakdown at the publisher

Do you know of or have you experienced any other strange ways of "losing the plot"? Please share in the comments below!